it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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