I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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