I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
