fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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