How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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