C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
