We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
