I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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