god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
