I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
oh god the rape fog is back!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
