Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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