"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
