Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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