I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
