just come out here and I will go home with you...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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