Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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