i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
