Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
