I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
send nudes
from the living room?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
