I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
