I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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