if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
