good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
