I could have mohawked her pubes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
