the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
