please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
