I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
