I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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