It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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