I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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