Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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