Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
