Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
