Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
