I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
