Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
