Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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