The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
