If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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