Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She just used a chaser for red wine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
