I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
