Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just forgot I was standing up.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
