WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cockslap morals
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
