Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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