Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
