That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
