I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
