So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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