i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
