he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
