dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
