Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
